Fear, Panic, Terror and a Complete Loss of Confidence

We woke up to a clear, sunny day! Mark had to do some business so we didn't get going to Interlaken as early as we had planned. Mark really likes to be on the first lift of the day before the other people start. We got in line for the gondola at Grindelwald and it was very long. I knew that every minute Mark was thinking about how many perfect runs he was missing. We finally got up to get on the gondola and the gate wouldn't open for me. I tried and tried while the worker kept telling me things in German. I finally realized he wanted to see my pass and I handed it to him and it was a pass to Gstaad. I yelled to Mark to give me the right pass and got on. It was a 35-45 minute ride up the mountain. I started to worry about getting down again. I have fears and most of the time I can deal with them but every know and then, they get away from me and out of control. I decided to wait at the top and let Mark take a few fast runs. It was already 11:00. We then started down to another lift to take us up higher. I have to say the views are spectacular and I didn't want to miss them. Getting to the next lift was terrible as it had warmed up and the snow had turned to slush and there were so many skiers on the hill that it was a real traffic jam. I was nervous as one skier after another cut me off or almost hit me. We got down to the next lift and Mark decided he wanted to go on a different one. I should have stuck to the original plan, but I followed him to a 6 person high speed chair. It was confusing to load because there was no plan and you got on sideways. I was watching carefully so I could get on the next one when Mark yelled to get on the one in front of it. I skied as fast as I could and dropped my goggles and missed the chair. I yelled at Mark as he sped up the hill. of course no one knew what I was saying. I missed several chairs before I got on one as the 6th person. I was mad and another of my fears reared its ugly head. Before we left, I wanted to get two global cell phones in case we ever got separated at a ski resort. I get lost easily and have no sense of direction and I know Mark likes to ski fast and he thinks I know where he is. We didn't get them and my iPhone does not work here.


Of course he was waiting at the top and we started down. I was looking down from the top of the steepest, longest, straightest run I have ever seen. It was the only way down! I was afraid, I started to panic, I didn't know what I was going to do.


Mark knew I was way over my head and told me to start side slipping. It was so scary, but slowly I went a few feet and stopped and looked down (bad idea). I did it for awhile, but I got more and more scared. Mark was trying to be patient when this was what he had been waiting to ski. I was very slow and getting tired. He decided to do something worse,at least in my mind. He started to ski away from the groomed into the crud. It was still the same steep long mountain but now I was following him into what seemed like the abyss. I was shaking all over and the tears were streaming down under my goggles, now I was terrified. I followed him for a long ways perpendicular to the mountain. Oh and we were right below The Eiger. Steep craggy mountains on all side of me and here I am way away from the ski run. He then wanted me to turn around and ski back towards the run. I froze. I was embarrassed about my complete loss of ability to do anything and so sad that I was letting him down in such an extreme way. I sat on the side of that very steep side and cried. I had to do it though. I finally made my shaking body move and flipped my skis around and I did not fall to my death. But we still had a long ways to go. Back across the wasteland towards the impossibly steep run we very slowly traversed. Finally we made it back to the run at about half way down (his plan all along). Again I froze and could not move. I started side slipping again and would go a few feet and stop. I was so mad at myself, I hated myself and what I was doing to Mark, but that did not change my courage to ski down. I stopped and stood there on the side of the run for quite awhile. I had just about convinced myself to just go for it when just below me an out of control skier fell and skis, poles and body tumbled down a long ways. NOT GOOD! I was paralyzed again. Mark was still waiting at the middle hoping for a ski run.


A nice British man skied up to me and asked if I was OK. I said "I have lost my confidence." He said, "follow me down." I said "no thank you" and he skied off. I was even more mad at myself but started to slide slip a few inches at a time. By this point I knew I could ski down but my body would not do it until I was near the very bottom. I was a blithering ball of emotion, but I was down in one piece. And guess what was at the bottom? Yes, another long lift taking me further up into the mountains from which I would at some point need to go down. I started to sing "What goes up, must come down" as we were riding up another big mountain. Oh and that whole run ordeal took over an hour, maybe a lot more than an hour.


Rest of the story tomorrow!